Confessions of a Romance Author: A Mother’s Demands
It has been too long since I last confessed. 
1. There will be no more summers. No more time for children to be at home 24 hours out of the day. That will give children more time to drive their mother’s insane.
2. There will be no more “He/She hit me first”. This phrase will be wiped from existence. Along with “She/He’s touching me.” and “He/She won’t share.”
3. Connected to number two, there will be no more audible crying. You can see it, but cannot hear it.
4. Meals will make themselves as soon as a child is hungry. There will be no need to turn on a stove in 100+ degree weather.
5. Connected to number 4: If a meal has to be made it will consist of sandwich bread, meat and cheese. And, it will make itself.
6. All children will go to bed at 4:30 p.m.
7. These words ”Mommie”, “Mom” and “Mother” will also be wiped from existence.
8. A woman who has given birth to children will have uninterrupted bathroom time. If criminals back in the day could have sanctuary in the church, then woman who have birthed children should have the same in the bathroom.
9. Any object that holds their children’s attention for the span of five seconds or more shall become false Gods. This will include games, toys, food, and sleep.
10. Like the bathroom, sleep shall be not be interrupted with “I’m hungry” or “What ya doing?”
11. Any in-laws shall be required to pick up said children at least once a week.
12. All demands shall be enforced and non-negotiable.
13. Last, but not least, the first day of school shall be celebrated like a birthday. Liquor and sweets shall be involved and not exactly in that order, NOR shall their be any limitations on either.
That is all.
[...] This post was Twitted by RachelJameson [...]
And the people of the Mom said AMEN!!
that has got to be my favorite one. i love it.
Posts like these make me scared to become a mom, lol!
I’m sitting in the pew with Sela saying AMEN. Especially love number 8. Awesome post.
LOVE this! Except for the whole “no summer” thing. As a teacher, I don’t think my eardrums could take 12 months of constant hoards of screaming children.
I’m sorry I’ve would have sentenced you to a lifetime of torture. But you get to go home.
You raise an excellent point. But imagine 20 of them at once. For 7 hrs!
But still. You’ve got my respect! I have a hard enough time raising my dog.
These words ”Mommie”, “Mom” and “Mother” will also be wiped from existence.
Screw that. All children shall be rendered mute and well behaved with no fingers for sending 6000 mother effing text messages. And they will automatically reappear in their home, dressed for bed, at their appointed curfew time!
Katie….god created birth control for a reason.
PS….since my brother is the single father of two teenage boys, I have to add, all single parents get two weeks of paid vacation ALONE with full childcare. And children who open their parent’s mail, shall immediately be afflicted with broken fingers and a stinging in thine eyes!
LMAO! All revised paragraphs shall also be enforced henceforth. *totally milking the legalise language.*
You know, if nothing else this summer has convinced me that I’m not a Stay At Home Mom. I love my children more when they go off with other people for a while. Absence does in fact make the heart grow stronger. But, I’m starting to think at this point my children are just as tired of me.
LMAO!! Let me know if you manage #8 please.
Update…the boy now has no cell phone. Says he’s not coming home until school starts. I THINK his father MIGHT have something to say about that because LORD ALMIGHTY does he HATE when I call his daddy *shaking head* FOOL!